Flatulence and You

The Art of Fart
By: Nicholas Vignapiano

Look around. See all the places there are to fart. The world is full of them. If you do it right, you can bust your ass just about anywhere. But don't kid yourself stinky, it is not as easy as squirt and smirk.

Your approach to floating an air biscuit should be well planned. I cannot stress enough what a mistake it is to fart in public without the proper preparation. You can save yourself a heap of embarassment by learning a few simple methods; methods backed up by years of exhaustive research.

Here are some guidelines to follow. (They are only effective when two or more people are present.

First of all, DO NOT blow one as soon as you realize it is coming (unless it is for personal pleasure). This is a mistake not a few novice tooters make. If you are hasty in your expulsion, someone will sniff you out. It happens 99.5% of the time. When you feel one brewing, wait at least a minute before letting go. But don't waste time!!

While you are holding your baby in, look for possible locations to break the wind; scope the area. AH! There are two businessmen over yonder. Get up close, not too close, but close enough. Check to see which way the air currents are flowing and position yourself accordingly.

Now this is a pivotal moment; try not to rush it. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Let it come out on its own. If you force it you'll only get caught, because "A forced fart makes noise" (P.U. Smellum 19). (Some people say that there are some that have mastered the art of anal ventriloquism but they are few and far between. Their methods will not be discussed here.) OK. Coax it gently if you must, let it peek out over the side and accustom itself to the surroundings. When it finally leaves home, walk away.

Now you don't have to empty your tank all at once. (This is a common mistake made by most children, a few elderly and all drunken college students). The slower you release, the more area you can cover. Perhaps encircling the two businessmen in the previous example.) I remember one summer day a few years back; I had just finished a hot dog with onions and mustard and was returning from my lunch hour. As I entered the door of my work, I decided it was a good time to let one fly. I walked past the cashier (with a customer, remember two or more), to the stairs and up. A 20-second journey. Throughout the whole trip, a steady stream of waste poured from my body, poisoning at least five people…but, I digest.

Beside the sneaky approach, there is yet another method that will work. Again it will only work with two or more people present. This method is the one I prefer for it involves the direct and utter embarassment of another human bean.

Picture this: You and two others are standing around; say at the Academy Awards. The three of you off in your own worlds. Suddenly you feel that welcome throb in your passage. Once again, let it out slowly and in the direction of one of the poor slobs (it doesn't matter who). Wait a few seconds then inhale in short bursts while maintaining a puzzled look on your face. Probe the area with your proboscis flaring and after a while raise your head slowly and gaze into the face of your chosen fool. Now prune your lips, arch your eyebrows and nostrils and walk away. You will get away with it. Why? Because you have been listening to me and you have been practicing!

You may be asking yourself: "Why is this so important to know?" Well, I will tell you. We live in America; the land where you are only as good as you look (and smell). The best way to look (and smell) better than the next guy is to make him look (or smell) worse than you! That is why you should heed these words. The Art of Fart can work for you. It will work wonders for the ones who master it. Hey, farting happens. You could do it with class or do it like my friend Joe.

Joe was rash and abrasive, never taking the time to be sneaky; he was too straightforward. There was NO finesse in his style. When he had to play the tuba, he would grab the head of whoever was next to him, treat it as if it were a roll of Scott tissue and play his song all over it. While this may look hilarious in a drunken stupor, to me it lacks the true talent and beauty of the art.

Well I hope I've passed some useful knowledge on to someone. If I reach just one person (two would be better) I have succeeded. Just follow my words and practice, practice, PRACTASS! You won't blow wrong. Let me leave you now with some words of wisdom: Never fart on an empty elevator. (Think bout it!)

List of works cited

Smellum, P.U. - The Silent Fart
Edgeborough: Poopton Snifflin, 1989

Dungeon Music by Butt Boy!!